It was raining in Abuja when I went out to buy medication for a headache. On my way back, a woman standing under a tree asked for help. She wanted either my umbrella or transport money to get somewhere. I made a quick judgement about her and kept walking. I did not stop to ask a question. I behaved as though I had not understood her.
At home, the encounter would not leave me alone. What if she genuinely needed help? I took another umbrella and some money and returned to look for her. By then, she was gone. I do not know whether someone else helped her, whether she walked through the rain or what happened afterwards. That is the part I cannot supply with a comforting ending.
The story I invented before listening
My mistake was allowing suspicion to answer a question I had not asked. I knew that people could deceive others with stories about transport or food. But that general possibility became my complete explanation of one woman's situation. She had barely spoken before I decided what kind of person she was.
I am not suggesting that we should ignore our safety or hand over money whenever someone asks. Boundaries are necessary. The problem was that I treated caution as permission to dismiss her without even acknowledging her. A respectful response could have left room for both caution and compassion.
Sometimes we become so proud of being difficult to deceive that we stop noticing what our certainty costs other people. We imagine that everyone approaching us is performing a familiar trick. The person with a real difficulty then has to carry the burden of every dishonest encounter we have heard about.
Help can begin with a smaller response
Looking back, there were several things I could have done. I could have listened, asked where she needed to go or explained what assistance I was comfortable offering. Even if I could not help, I could have answered her. Those possibilities seem obvious now, which is part of why the memory bothers me.
A request does not create an obligation to do everything. It does create an opportunity to decide how we will treat another person. There is a difference between saying that we cannot assist and behaving as though the person does not deserve a reply.
I also have to be careful about making the return journey sound like a noble act. Going back did not erase what I had done. It was an attempt to correct a decision, and I was too late to know whether that correction could reach her. Regret is useful only if it changes the way I respond next time.
Leave room for the person in front of you
I shared this experience because I do not always get kindness right. It is easier to advise other people about empathy than to practise it when we are tired, uncomfortable or in a hurry. That evening showed me the gap between the person I would like to be and a choice I actually made.
May Allah make us more considerate. I cannot find a better ending for that woman's story because I do not know it. What I can do is remember that my first explanation of someone's need may be wrong, and give the next person a fairer hearing.
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